literature

Of A Gay Teenager's Lover

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Literature Text

Confessions of a Gay Teenager’s Lover
August 30, 2008

To his mother: Your son loves you so much. He loves to see you smile and it breaks his heart to know he made you cry. He wants you to accept him and love him like you used to. He wants you to hug and compliment me like you did his first and last girlfriend. He wishes you could see how much his heart breaks every time you turn your head away.

To his father: He loves you too. He wishes you would see him as something other than a wimp and a sissy. He wants to play basketball again with you. He wants to live underneath the same roof as you again. It hurts him worse when you call him a “fag” and slam the door in his face than when you punched him so hard in the eye, it was black for two weeks.

To his sister: He wonders how you can be so accepting and yet so close-minded at the same time. He thinks that you are slightly a coward for saying you are as liberal as you want to be and then turning away from it when your views hit a little too close to home. But don’t worry, he still loves you. He loves you even though you betrayed him in the worst way possible, because he will always remember you with a smile, a large yellow bow and shining eyes.

To his friends: He knows why you guys stopped talking to him, and though I know he cried about it… he was expecting it. He knows you think of him now as something disgusting and no longer associated with your group even though you have been as close as brothers since the first grade. Sometimes he wonders if you miss him, but he won’t dwell on it because he thinks it’s a disservice to you.

To his teachers: He wants you to know that his work ethics will not change even though he is in love with me. He wants you to know that he doesn’t blame you for the awkwardness there seems to be between you all and him, even though it hurts him that not even his teachers can seem to accept him.

To his boss: He always had looked up to you because he respected you as a person. Therefore, he does not blame you when you fired him when news got out. He knows that while he was “straight” you thought of him as a second son just as he thought of you as a second father.

To his priest: He remembers the day that you politely came to him and asked him to not come to mass anymore. He can still feel the flick of the holy water you tried to bless him with and he can still hear the echoing of his footsteps bouncing off of the high ceiling and crystal lights as he ran through the exit doors in tears.

To God: He wants you to know that he still loves you even if he is no longer welcome in your worshiping place. Even though he has apparently done something wrong, he hopes you still love him too.

To his dog, Fluffles: He wants to thank you. For being there when none of the people he wanted to trust were there. He loves you and is happy that you can still smile and lick his face even if your fur is drenched with his tears… he is also sorry for naming you such a “gay” name even though he thinks it’s cute.

From myself to every one of you: I love him. I love him more than anything else on this world and I am crying as I write this. You’ll just call me a fag but I wanted you to know his thoughts because he cannot tell them to you. I would like you to know that you cannot control who you fall in love with and I would like it if you would try to open your heart a little more.

I try to tell him that you all are not worth it, save Fluffles, because in the end if you can’t accept him he needs to move on, I’ve done it more times than I can count… but he loves you too much to simply do that.

I also can’t believe that you stayed in your safe little worlds last night. You didn’t bother to come to the hospital, I would know, I was there all night and this morning too. Do you even know what you did to him?

You were not there when his heart stopped beating after he shot himself. He was still breathing to tell me he loved me one last time, and that he was sorry, but he couldn’t go on like this.

He loves you all so much and you can do nothing but dig his grave… literally.

I am still speaking in present tense because it hurts too much to accept that he is really gone. It’s easier to think that maybe he’s somewhere else, smiling, and being loved finally like he deserves.

So thanks, everyone, thank you for killing the love of my life.

To him: I love you so much. I love you so much that it hurts and I want to rip my heart out sometimes even though you stopped breathing just last night. The nurses had to drag me from the hospital and send me home.

Without you I have nothing left. I will give your family this letter. Then I will see you soon.

I love you.
Sad isn't it?
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GeorgeH-JohnL's avatar
That's so...heartbreaking... I wish that things like this didn't actually happen. I know they have. It's terrible that people can't accept everyone for who they are...